C is for Cat and Compromise
Feb 25th
Let’s get personal for a minute. One of the first relationship compromises with Santiago was the decision to find my cat, Nona, a new home when we moved in together. Unfortunately, Santi and Nona could not coexist, as he lost the ability to see and breathe normally when she was within 10 feet of him. At first I encouraged heavy doses of Claritin, and then as I got desperate began suggesting experimental methods of allergy medication that may have included hypnosis. I really loved that cat.
Eventually, I realized I didn’t want to win the battle I was waging, as it would mean either living happily with my cat plus one miserable itchy boyfriend or living with my cat and having no boyfriend. In the end, Nona got a lovely new family, and I cried into the loving arms of my allergy-free boyfriend in the comfort of our new apartment.
Compromise is a nice way of saying, “for one of you, this is going to suck.” However, as responsible realistic adults, we know that sometimes things have to suck in order to be amazing in the long run. I stumbled across this article on TopDatingTips.com, and like that it breaks down the different reasons for compromise, just in case any one out there is in need of a refresher, or a crash course.
Portable Relationships
Feb 22nd
Not every online couple, or couple for that matter, has the luxury of sharing their morning coffee at the same breakfast table. Some couples are more than an arms reach or even a cab ride away. How do they supplement the stolen glances and sexy whispers that are granted to lovers within close proximity of each other? 20 years ago it was long distance phone calls, which meant finding a good long distance carrier or buying up armloads of cheap calling cards. Conversations bled into the wee hours of the morning, often times tearful with lots of nonsensical jibber jabber, just to hear the other person talk was enough to keep paying those $150 At&T bills.
Now couples can see each other on multiple surfaces: computer, phone, even their t.v if they do the legwork and plug in all the right cables. Email makes its way faster than the postman, instant messages set the stage for playful banter and text messages keep pockets and purses buzzing. The “long distance” should be replaced with “portable”.
An article on MSNBC explores these new “portable” relationships and talks with couples who make the most of the internet to supplement their distance factor.
“I don’t enjoy talking on the phone as much as I do chatting online, over Skype or GChat. Sometimes I mute the speakers and watch him type things to me,” says Clark. “It’s ridiculous sounding, but it’s so fun,” Says one interviewee.
For some of the couples the online communication was lacking and eventually cited as the demise of the relationship. “Every human being longs for some physical interaction with the person they love, even if it’s just a smile. You can’t get that through pixels so easily. Everything we thought we could convey through looking at a screen … something was missing. I couldn’t get a hug if I had a bad day.”
Even with the screen to screen contact, the long distance factor is still a hardship. One of the main differences between now and 20 years ago, is that couples now are meeting each other from a distance. Does this condition the relationship to deal with the long distance aspect? The success of online dating might answer that question, but it would be interesting to hear from some of our readers. Do online relationships make for stronger long distance relationships?
Lessons from Kindergarten
Feb 15th
In Kindergarten we are introduced to the importance of sharing; everything from finger-paints and cookies to other highly coveted goodies, after which we have 20-something years to practice for when we get married and are required to do so by law.
In relationships, sharing is no longer restricted to playdough. We are encouraged to share everything from our bank accounts to our names and everything in between. You trade in your precious “mine and me” for “ours and we”. To some this surrender of pronoun is no big deal, a welcome change symbolizing partnership and love. To others, the use of ‘we’ is an intrusion into their independence.
According to a recent study done at the University of California at Berkley, couples who used ‘we’ showed more signs of happiness and less indications of stress. Senior researcher Robert Levenson says,” ‘we’ words over ‘I’ words are “part of this invisible language that can tell scientists what’s going on inside a marriage”
Part of the study involved 154 middle aged and older couples hooked up to heart and blood pressure monitors while discussing a point of disagreement for 15 minutes. After which, researchers watched videotaped footage and compared the body language and dialogue to the recorded responses of the monitors.
“When the ‘we’ language was predominant, those 15 minutes were emotionally positive and physiologically calm, and those were also the couples who were most satisfied with their marriages,” Levenson said. Marital satisfaction was based on written questionnaires the couples filled out.
Of course it’s not just about semantics. Using “we” is an indication that the speaker is making a conscious effort (verbally at least) to acknowledge the relationship. Anything from property (our computer) to plans for the weekend ( we are going to the movies) becomes ‘we’ territory. Where to draw the line?
University of Massachusetts professor of Psychology Doreen Arcus said that when she got married went to great lengths to maintain equality with her husband. They took turns with every chore and responsibility and even exchanged identical wedding bands instead of a traditional engagement ring for Arcus. “The list was quite extensive. Twenty-eight years later, we have settled into our own grooves and together they work for us. I never did care if the checkbook balanced to the penny. I’m a better cook than he is,” Arcus said.
Like Arcus says, people settle into their own ways of doing things. The use of “we” will not define a relationship. However, the results of the study do suggest that those couples who spoke using the shared pronoun were more positive and less stressed. Is “we” the adult version of the security blanket? Probably not, but think about it the next time you and your significant other are talking. How do you feel when he/she does or doesn’t use “we”?
Princess and The Frog
Feb 10th
An online fairy tale. A princess in the blog-sphere finds true love with humble commenter, I mean, commoner..
Ann Althouse, 58, divorced mother of two adult sons, single for more than 20 years, and a law professor at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, Wisconsin. She is loved and hated for her sharp tone in her blog about politics, law and culture. The commoner is a commenter named Laurence Meade, 55, divorced, father of a college student and a garden designer – caretaker for a Cincinnati estate.
This story began four years ago when Meade happened to click on a series of web links and found Althouse’s blog. Meade became smitten, intellectually, and followed her blog daily to become a regular commenter.
He slowly became flirtatious and jokingly wrote like he was in love with Althouse. Last December 2008, Meade, at that point a recognized contributing commenter on her blog, sent Althouse a message asking if they should meet. Nothing came of it because there was no reply. “You couldn’t tell if he was fooling around or not, but it warms your heart,” Althouse said.
Then on that fateful day, Althouse commented online about Clint Eastwood’s film “Gran Torino” Meade took it as his cue and posted a comment in which he asked the blogger out for dinner and a movie. The affirmative reply sent other commenters reeling, and the date suddenly became public domain.
Feeling more confident, Meade sent his Social security number in a private e-mail to Althouse, in case she wanted to run a criminal background check. He also decided to let go of his fears about their differences in social standing , and academic differences.
The drive to Madison took 10 hours and they met and spoke for the first time. The dinner and movie date proved to be a splendid success. They continued exchanging e-mails and spoke through her blog.
The bloggerrati became witness to the blossoming friendship between the two when Althouse blogged about a date in a café in West Lafayette where she claims that “literary libidos” soared.
Hints were dropped but no mention was done on the blossoming romance. Then, a close up photo of Althouse modeling some engagement rings was posted, after which Meade announced to the whole blogosphere – “Althouse said yes! I am the happiest man in the world.”
Many reactions came after that announcement – some skeptical but most applauded. It is clear to the blog world that the two are in love and they intend to become legally wedded blogger and commenter. And they owe all this love and happiness to the one thing they shared – writing online. And as the usual fairy tales go, they live happily ever after.
