Peanut Butter and Jealousy
Mar 22nd
What begins as a personal insecurity can fester and grow into a paranoia that ultimately destroys a perfectly good relationship. Jealousy is something we are all prone to, and like its relatives-anger and fear, can prey on our sanity and rationality, reducing us to nothing more than the crazy characters you hear about in urban legends. William Penn said it best, “The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.”
How do we deal with the green-eyed monster? Distinguish empty jealousy from real trust issues? Here is a short list courtesy of these nice folks, to get the mind working:
Develop independence. We need to be sure we are not overly dependant on any one person. We need to focus on the good things we have and not on what we don’t have.
Communicate with the person who is the object of your jealousy. Tell them your feelings. Is that person doing something that is causing you to be jealous? Letting them know can often help the problem. If this other person cares for you, they will work on changing the behavior that is adding to your jealousy. Being aware of your feelings can also help you cope better.
Do not overreact. Remember, most incidents are temporary so don’t magnify what happened. Serious jealousy stems from a fear of loss, reputation, control of ourselves, our spouses, or relationships. Losing control of our emotions and feelings will only make things worse.
This cute article describes a man’s relationship with his “hot-headed” wife, whom he loves despite her jealous behavior. While unfortunately, most instances of jealousy aren’t as adorable, it serves as a great example of how personal insecurities can take even the most harmless thing and turn it into a reason to be jealous. It also lends itself to the receiving end of the jealousy, reminding us to be patient and LISTEN to our partners and diffuse the bad feelings. We may not have started the fire, but we can certainly take away the matches.
C is for Cat and Compromise
Feb 25th
Let’s get personal for a minute. One of the first relationship compromises with Santiago was the decision to find my cat, Nona, a new home when we moved in together. Unfortunately, Santi and Nona could not coexist, as he lost the ability to see and breathe normally when she was within 10 feet of him. At first I encouraged heavy doses of Claritin, and then as I got desperate began suggesting experimental methods of allergy medication that may have included hypnosis. I really loved that cat.
Eventually, I realized I didn’t want to win the battle I was waging, as it would mean either living happily with my cat plus one miserable itchy boyfriend or living with my cat and having no boyfriend. In the end, Nona got a lovely new family, and I cried into the loving arms of my allergy-free boyfriend in the comfort of our new apartment.
Compromise is a nice way of saying, “for one of you, this is going to suck.” However, as responsible realistic adults, we know that sometimes things have to suck in order to be amazing in the long run. I stumbled across this article on TopDatingTips.com, and like that it breaks down the different reasons for compromise, just in case any one out there is in need of a refresher, or a crash course.
Portable Relationships
Feb 22nd
Not every online couple, or couple for that matter, has the luxury of sharing their morning coffee at the same breakfast table. Some couples are more than an arms reach or even a cab ride away. How do they supplement the stolen glances and sexy whispers that are granted to lovers within close proximity of each other? 20 years ago it was long distance phone calls, which meant finding a good long distance carrier or buying up armloads of cheap calling cards. Conversations bled into the wee hours of the morning, often times tearful with lots of nonsensical jibber jabber, just to hear the other person talk was enough to keep paying those $150 At&T bills.
Now couples can see each other on multiple surfaces: computer, phone, even their t.v if they do the legwork and plug in all the right cables. Email makes its way faster than the postman, instant messages set the stage for playful banter and text messages keep pockets and purses buzzing. The “long distance” should be replaced with “portable”.
An article on MSNBC explores these new “portable” relationships and talks with couples who make the most of the internet to supplement their distance factor.
“I don’t enjoy talking on the phone as much as I do chatting online, over Skype or GChat. Sometimes I mute the speakers and watch him type things to me,” says Clark. “It’s ridiculous sounding, but it’s so fun,” Says one interviewee.
For some of the couples the online communication was lacking and eventually cited as the demise of the relationship. “Every human being longs for some physical interaction with the person they love, even if it’s just a smile. You can’t get that through pixels so easily. Everything we thought we could convey through looking at a screen … something was missing. I couldn’t get a hug if I had a bad day.”
Even with the screen to screen contact, the long distance factor is still a hardship. One of the main differences between now and 20 years ago, is that couples now are meeting each other from a distance. Does this condition the relationship to deal with the long distance aspect? The success of online dating might answer that question, but it would be interesting to hear from some of our readers. Do online relationships make for stronger long distance relationships?
Lessons from Kindergarten
Feb 15th
In Kindergarten we are introduced to the importance of sharing; everything from finger-paints and cookies to other highly coveted goodies, after which we have 20-something years to practice for when we get married and are required to do so by law.
In relationships, sharing is no longer restricted to playdough. We are encouraged to share everything from our bank accounts to our names and everything in between. You trade in your precious “mine and me” for “ours and we”. To some this surrender of pronoun is no big deal, a welcome change symbolizing partnership and love. To others, the use of ‘we’ is an intrusion into their independence.
According to a recent study done at the University of California at Berkley, couples who used ‘we’ showed more signs of happiness and less indications of stress. Senior researcher Robert Levenson says,” ‘we’ words over ‘I’ words are “part of this invisible language that can tell scientists what’s going on inside a marriage”
Part of the study involved 154 middle aged and older couples hooked up to heart and blood pressure monitors while discussing a point of disagreement for 15 minutes. After which, researchers watched videotaped footage and compared the body language and dialogue to the recorded responses of the monitors.
“When the ‘we’ language was predominant, those 15 minutes were emotionally positive and physiologically calm, and those were also the couples who were most satisfied with their marriages,” Levenson said. Marital satisfaction was based on written questionnaires the couples filled out.
Of course it’s not just about semantics. Using “we” is an indication that the speaker is making a conscious effort (verbally at least) to acknowledge the relationship. Anything from property (our computer) to plans for the weekend ( we are going to the movies) becomes ‘we’ territory. Where to draw the line?
University of Massachusetts professor of Psychology Doreen Arcus said that when she got married went to great lengths to maintain equality with her husband. They took turns with every chore and responsibility and even exchanged identical wedding bands instead of a traditional engagement ring for Arcus. “The list was quite extensive. Twenty-eight years later, we have settled into our own grooves and together they work for us. I never did care if the checkbook balanced to the penny. I’m a better cook than he is,” Arcus said.
Like Arcus says, people settle into their own ways of doing things. The use of “we” will not define a relationship. However, the results of the study do suggest that those couples who spoke using the shared pronoun were more positive and less stressed. Is “we” the adult version of the security blanket? Probably not, but think about it the next time you and your significant other are talking. How do you feel when he/she does or doesn’t use “we”?
